Sunday, February 11, 2018

Pitch Feedback



People I pitched to ...

Two teenagers (one boy and one girl) under 16 (both play video games)
Lost interest pretty quickly … the sentence is too wordy … the can of worms thing threw them off … both though of real worms … also not super interested in game play
Girl said she would like it if she could create monsters ... boy wanted more action

Older 20 yr old guy (doesn’t like video games much):
likes the synopsis … says its something that he is interested in and would play but probably wouldn’t stay invested in after some time … maybe more action would interest him
doesn’t like the can of worms thing … threw him off … even though he knew what was meant by it he imagined a legit can of worms

20 year old girl (plays video games)
Finds the concept interesting but thinks the sentence is too wordy and the can of worms thing is distracting.
Would like it if there was a twist or ulterior underlining story going on … maybe you do everything you think you are supposed to and then you find out its wrong and have to fix everything … or have an end goal driving the character’s actions

21 year old guy (plays video games)
Like concept but feels like it needs something (feels like something missing that could make it better)
Sounds like a book he read (Fablehaven) when he was young ... good thing I think.
Could tell the type of world this game plays in (no death) and audience type (children)

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Brooklyn Walker, Revision

Revised painting Monstery/tangly tree references from Madeira